A moment in time that won't ever leave me

“Just as they reach the door, and as David steps out, Mia turns and looks back at Sebastian. He looks at her.Their eyes lock.A hint of a tear in both... And, ever so subtly, for just a fleeting second, Mia smiles. It’s the kind of smile you could miss if you blinked -- but it’s enough to signal to Sebastian that she recognized the melody he played, and that she still remembers it, and still thinks of it to this day...Then she walks out the door.” La La Land (2016) - Dir. Damien Chazelle

Saturday morning musings

In the beautifully made movie 'Mitr, my friend' the lead actress Shobhana tells her virtual friend that one of the things she likes to do is to drive up the freeway in full speed alone in the car. That idea fascinated me as a young 20yr old girl in India, without a car, surrounded by slow moving traffic and always dependent on someone or something for transportation.

Now, years after I started driving in the West and Southwest US..with wide, open roads and beautiful landscapes around, I relate to what she said. That feeling I get when I drive myself on the road, while playing the music of my choice, something loud...but fun and melodious, and when let my mind think through stuff in my head...with wind from the open windows messing my hair up ....I just love that feeling! Writing this post after one such drive on an early Saturday morning...

Mending the broken

I recently learnt about the philosophy of kintsugi, the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — a metaphor for embracing flaws and imperfections.

How beautiful a concept is that! It tells you to not disregard something because it's broken or has a crack in it. It encourages you to put precious care( gold) around those imperfections to help fix the object into a more beautiful piece than it was before. Love it and so glad I adapted this philosophy!

2023 in retrospect

Calling this post retrospective maybe a bit pre-mature. After all, 2023 ended just a few hours ago. Maybe this is more of a summary of highlights. 

I'll remember this year as the one where I got out of the comfort zone - both personally and professionally. It's the year I stopped taking things for granted and pushed myself to make an effort. Made an attempt to stress less - and mostly succeeded. This has been a year of some humbling moments as well as one of adventures. I balanced my strength with some vulnerability and in most cases it's given me peace. I've been more conscious of what I am doing to my health - physcial and mental. And have taken steps to make changes where I could. It's also the year I continued my path to establishing, and re-establishing, connections with dear ones - both at home and away. 

Maybe this had more to do with being a newly turned 40-yr old? Or the fact that I'm finally getting back control of my time. Whatever it is, it's welcome! There's more work to be done though - and that's what the new year is for afterall. Here's hoping to better myself a little bit more this year. 

Ending this with a succinct, yet comprehensive new year message I came across - hope all of these and more come true for you this new year ! 

Turning....

 ....could mean a lot of things. Tuning back, changing course or direction, changing your affiliations and loyalties or it could also simply mean turning a decade older, which is something I'm celebrating this year! As I turn 40, I've taken this milestone year to do a variety of things to reconnect with myself and those that I value most. On top of the milestone birthday, the culmination of the pandemic has also given me a reason to stop, think and introspect. 

A big piece of me trying to reconnect with loved ones this year was to spend quality time with closest of my friends - I'd hate to label them "best" , aren't all good friends best ones? 

J, N and I have know each other for more than half of our living lives. We met in our late teens in undergrad and grew up through our early twenties with completely different things happening around us. One of us got married young(er), one found a soul mate in her first shot at love, and one was having a hard time finding contentment in love. Who was going through what - well, that will be unsaid here :). Despite these differences in our younger years, we spent most of our 30s going through very similar things - learning how to co-exist in a country we are not from, birthing and raising kids, building and re-building careers, rediscovering what friendships look like. I've been lucky enough to have these two in my life at arm's length or a phone call away any given day. So celebrating my milestone birthday with these two was a big must-do for me.  

Our last time getting together as a group of friends was pre-pandemic, so naturally there was excitement around seeing one another in person again. We added to the excitement by landing on a solid itinerary - a road trip from Las Vegas to Grand Canyon, followed by a couple nights of fun in Las Vegas. Further excitement was added by means of a playlist - we managed to put together 8 hours of music of all types of songs going back to our favs from college to the latest pop hits. There was depth and quality too, mind you ! Being able to live out this play list of course was an integral part of the the experience - so when we rented a car and it did not play from the phone blue-tooth we made sure we returned it and got a different one that did have better audio support. Priorities, priorities....

The road trip involved a couple hundred miles of driving, which I am very proud to say I did wholeheartedly. In the background was beautiful scenery, wonderful music,  deep conversations, gossip, retrospection and discussion on what life brought to us and what made us happy or otherwise. Exploring scenic views and places along the way was part of the fun of course - including lunch at a authentic ( and clean!) Punjabi Dhaba  (of all places, in Kingman,AZ!!) 

Grand Canyon did not disappoint - how could it! Enjoying sunrise and sunset in the company of cherished friends is something I'll always remember. We all took time to enjoy the grandeur of the canyon in our own moments of quiet along with several group moments. I had not watched sunrise in a long time - yes, there were goosebumps. Moving on from there, the fun we had in Las Vegas was a different kind of fun altogether! The best thing about Vegas was that we were able to bring in the young girl inside of all of us - we played dress-up, did make-up and walked in our heels  ( shhhh, no talks needed on how painful it was!). We were younger again, but with a kind of confidence a twenty year old could not have had. That's the beauty about growing into your 30s with secure and healthy relationships around you - you just have a sense of confidence and self-assurance that would surprise your younger self!  Like wine, women get finer with age...don't let anyone tell you otherwise! You are open to trying and doing things without any judgement of yourself and you know exactly what you want out of those experiences. 

Except for lack of sleep there was nothing I'd change in this trip - what this trip gave me is a series of conversations with non-judgemental friends that helped me better understand myself. It helped me open up a little bit more, gave me encouragement and courage to take a few bold steps in my life, helped me reconnect with several old friends that I reminisced those few days with J and N. I came back home feeling recharged and refreshed, happy and humbled, thankful and a bit tired. Most importantly I came back with a little bit of my old self re-instated back in me, the best parts of that old-self anyway.....  

Of course none of this would be possible had it not been for our wonderful husbands. A big kudos goes to them - without them handling kids and home for 3 days and half, we could not get this once in a lifetime experience packed without any mom-guilt!

Next on the list  is a couple of similar trips - I did one with family already but I crave for more of it, and last but most important - a trip with myself. No distraction - just me with my thoughts. Let's see how soon I can make that happen.

When I grow up....

There was a time in college when someone asked me what my idea of a perfect life was. My answer was something along the lines of  I'm snuggled with a coffee , reading a book. Think I was ridiculed. But till date that seems like the answer, still ! 

< Written first on 11/14/19, saved from draft mode to publish mode on 10/19/22 :) >

Of ennui and introspection

<< Originally written over 6 years ago, was in draft mode near perpetuity :) - finally published on 10/19/22 >>

Living in the US hasn't done much good to my English except add some slang to it. I blame it on the lost habit of reading. Every now and then I pick up some new words from conversation and movies but nothing builds language skills like reading a classic novel or a good newspaper. A few months ago I came across a friend's blog post and it was where I came across 'ennui'. I looked up the meaning and coincidentally that was the state of my mind. Ennui refers to a feeling of boredom, uninterested-ness in everything; it's not depression but a general blah at all things. Sounds familiar? 

There's something about hitting your 30s that makes you introspect more. Or may be it's with each passing decade you contemplate more and more, reflect on your past more...."what am I doing with my life?", "I have totally lost myself!", "does this job even make any sense?". A lot of such introspection in 30s is what I think eventually leads to a so-called mid-life crisis. Given the fast-paced generation that we are, it's not uncommon to hear the term quarter-life crisis these days.

The reason I think about ennui now is I recently watched an Albert Brooks movie that dealt the subject with wit and humor. I found 'Lost in America' during one of my aimless Netflix search sessions. The central characters in the film are a wife and husband living a dull life in the suburbs, working at jobs that are just jobs. They are always waiting for that next promotion, that next bigger house, the next fancier car etc. You know, your typical middle class couple. Then unexpectedly their life changes when the man doesn't get the promotion he so expected to. They decide to drop out of the rat race and 'find themselves'. So they start this road-trip without a destination in mind...sort of like their life so far without an aim. It's during the road-trip that they discover the forgotten truth about the beauty of everyday life. You see when you get used to living life a certain way, working a certain way, you fail to recognize the things to be thankful for and the things you accomplish/ed each day. During their road-trip the couple loses all money and has to deal with working end of the line jobs in fast food centers and such and that is when they realize that they are smarter than the regular joes that are now their neighbors and their bosses. The jobs they left, although not fulfilling were at the minimal challenging and presented prospects. They gave them hope, even if it was in the form of a materialistic possession such as a new Mercedes. And isn't that what all humans want? To be challenged?



  

Opportunities for introspection

I loved travel as a young adult. And by travel I don't mean going to new places that I've never been to, exploring cultures and all that good stuff. That is the essence of travel most people enjoy. What I enjoyed however was the journey to a destination. I have lived away from home since the age of 16, so I've done my fair share of travel. To me it represented idle time for contemplation. For catching up with friends, my own thoughts, jotting down ideas. I loved sitting by the window seat on the little red bus that took me from Chennai to Chittoor every Saturday morning. The morning breeze relieved my stress from hectic days working in IT and the freshness of the early mornings prompted positive thoughts inside my head. This would be the time I would think about my happiness, my well-being, my hobbies and what I'd do with my life. All these thoughts came to me in a not way that was not prompted or made-up. This is when I'd read a books that made me feel fulfilled. And the trip back to Chennai would be on Sundays and this is when I would catch up with friends. I'd call them and spend hours catching up.
As I write this blog I realize how I've always enjoyed traveling long hours on the road (preferably; we all know how annoying proximity with other people can be on airplanes). At the moment I'm sitting here in an airport looking out at the beautiful mountains in Phoenix and it only brings positive thoughts to my mind. This is the first trip away from kiddo...and she has done a fantastic job. All thanks to the hubby and how well he keeps her engaged. So proud of him and so lucky to be married to a guy like him. 
Here's hoping to more long drives on road...may be one in Winter.